Today is Dec 31. The last day of 2010. My plan for the day is to go through some paperwork and other crap. Out with the old, etcetera, etcetera as Yul Brynner would say.
I have 2 boxes of “archive” files. 1 box is my files – old bank records and tax filings, whatever. The other – belongs to the dead. Mother, father, great, great aunt. Papers from probate and such, papers from their lives before I even existed.
Lots and lots of files
Old papers tell a lot of unknown stories and lead to a myriad of questions that can’t even begin to be answered without joining Ancestry.com. It was in going through the papers that I found out my dad was in the Army. And it was from these papers that I also realized (found out) that I am a bastard. My date of birth – May 30, 1964. My parents wedding – sometime later. Hmmm, okay. That made a couple of things make sense.
For example – later in life my dad became really religious and got into the church, became a deacon. He was always wanting me to join and get baptized. Apparently I never was ( guess it was the whole bastard thing) I remember when my mother was really sick, people from the church came to visit and give communion.* My father wouldn’t let me take it and I never understood why. Oh well. I went to catholic school from grades 5 through the end of high school so I had already chewed that dry cracker a bunch of times anyway, but I just thought it was odd.
My plan for 2011 – well maybe not a plan. Just my hope, one of them anyway, is to remove the words “It’s complicated” from my relationship status.
I am deeply in love with someone and he’s deeply in love with me. He’s a man of secrets and presently I am one of them. I do know he’s been revealing the idea of me to his kids and a couple of friends, so I guess that’s progress, of a sort.
He’s mentioned the “m” word and the plan (my hope) is that by this time next year it’ll actually come to be. But each absence and period of radio silence frustrates me. I feel like I’m waiting for the next phase of my new life to begin, but it never actually happens. I’m attached yet separate; thinking about a life together yet existing alone.
Marriage is something I never imagined would happen for me. You think most little girls dream of their wedding day in full Technicolor detail. I didn’t. I never thought anyone would ever want to put up with me in that way. I just knew I would die a virgin. ** (Don’t worry, the fortress has been breached. And fun was had storming the castle). But I think I’ll save the post on marriage for another time. That’s a whole big confusing mishegas I don’t wanna deal with right now. Best to just reflect, take stock, enjoy the successes, accept the failures, strive to do better and look forward to the future.
*In writing this out long hand I was thinking communion, but I actually wrote out communism. Veddy, veddy interesting slip, dontcha think?
** TMI? Um … have you met me?
RANDOM PARTING THOUGHT