I need to establish a routine, or a set of routines. In October or so I started walking. To get myself out of the house, and for general exercise, which I desperately need. Come the approach of winter, frost on the pumpkin and all that, I stopped. I adopted a nice fluffy pillow and a bowl of pasta as my frequent companions and let them seduce me. And my God, did they have their way with me.
So now it’s May. Freaking May! There have been some days of fairly temperate weather but still I fall slave to the doughy and the fluffy. (And the cheesy and the chocolaty.)
At present I am not at my fighting weight. What is that weight? Damned if I know – I’ve never had a fight in my life! I am about 41 pounds lighter than I was a couple of years ago, which is great. But this time last year I was even lighter. Well, as light as a heavily sauced bowl of pasta covered with crispy fried couch potato chips can ever manage to be. I slowly put some of that weight back on. And I can feel it.
I feel it in my back, my knees and my feet when I walk a simple block. (Well the blocks in my city are reeeeeallly long. Really) I feel it in my lungs when I’m huffing and puffing more than somebody without an oxygen tank should have to. I feel it in my sometimes hardened gut. That’s not a six-pack people, that’s a family pack.
Establish routines and healthy habits. That’s the beginning. Change one little thing. Like oh, I don’t know – not staying up till 2 and getting up at 11 am might be a winner. I had started something back in October. Now I need to restart it up again.
I also need to make a move. Into the world. Flirting and verbal wordplay is fun, exciting and very satisfying to the ego. But eventually if nothing else happens, if you don’t make an actual physical appearance in the game, then you just become the girl who cried “fuck me”. (Like the boy who cried “wolf”, get it? Huh? Never mind)
Why haven’t I been present? Some of it is timing. And funding. Depending on where you catch me in the month, I can’t hang. But some of it is that good old standard – fear of rejection. I don’t want to see the “wow – you so do not look like your voice, your conversation, your attitude, whatever” look. I don’t want to see the spark that started with great conversation and a virtual mind meld just fade to black like the red light in the eye of The Terminator. Think I’m paranoid? Review this post and tell me that. Long story short – he saw my picture, got offended because I wasn’t the pretty little package he fantasized about and accused me of being fake.
Yet at the same time being virtual gives me the chance to feel safe (cool and fun and charming and sexy) and not reveal how ridiculously awkward, self-conscious and pathetically socially inept I can be. But I should be present. People I’ve met in real life like me. They think I’m nice and cool and fun and charming. I don’t know if they think I’m sexy, but I think they know I got a little something-something going on. One guy even called me “adorable” once.
Is that why I “hide” behind a variety of avi’s instead of an actual picture of me? Not really. I’ve put up a real picture a couple of times, but I don’t wanna see my face pop up every time I post something on Tweetdeck or go to my profile page. It’s boring. I put the avi’s up basically to entertain myself.
I kinda like me, for the most part. More than I use to. Maybe I just accept my flaws. Quirks, let’s call them. My crankiness, etc is just part of my charm. And if somebody I meet doesn’t get me, then, oh well. It doesn’t make them shallow and it doesn’t make me the “better” person. It just didn’t work out the way we’d hoped and you gotta keep moving along.
I saw this quote, somewhere (maybe on Tumblr) and I need to live it, every day:
RANDOM PARTING THOUGHT