In 1995 artist Brian Lewis Sanders started on a project to create a self-portrait every day. One part of this life-long series was created when he decided to dose himself with a different drug each day and see what the results were.
Part of me is going: “wow, what amazing display of discipline: to set out to do this every single day, then to actually do it.” I find the results interesting, really creative, incredibly fascinating, captivating, and kind of creepy, with many shades of disturbing thrown in.
Then another part of me, the part that has never even been remotely interested at all in the idea of doing drugs of any sort (which is 100% of me) yet fell in love with someone “under the influence”, with “a sickness”, the part that was happy when he went to rehab, but confused when he said “oh that was only for the crack. the pills are my medicine and my doctor says it’s okay; the part that was, inexplicably, willing to live with a certain bit of illegality in my life to be with this man, the parts of me that are incredulous and ashamed of what I allowed in my life because of – love (when I never even thought I was capable of being in love, or being loved); the part that wonders if any word he ever spoke to me was true …
looks at the slideshow of his art and the notations of the drugs he was on (ranging from marijuana to crystal meth and huffing) when the various pieces were created, imagined, experienced or vomited out of his hallucinations and paranoia and self-loathing and insight and perception just says:
“You are such a fucking idiot”
And I think I’m speaking to myself at the same time.